Finally

After three months, I finally had the reason to write again.

I'm no longer the other. I'm no longer the third party.

There's a fourth party now. The other me has been replaced by another other her.

Karma finally bit me in the ass.

Roma was right. It won't be much of a reason or too long a time. It definitely didn't take too much or too long.

I find this quite funny.

Like that stinging itch I usually get afterwards.

Preparing to squeeze through

I estimated that the bitterness I felt about not getting the MA would last for an entire year. I guess I underestimated myself again. I am, just like before, incapable of holding grudges or brooding over a matter. I'm just too impatient even with myself to allow for an extended mourning.

Less than a month after I learned the sad news, I suddenly find myself thankful for the turn of events and looking forward to 'soon'. The door may have been shut in front of my face and there is a dim chance that it may be opened in a year as promised (once again) but it finally ceased to matter at all.

I found a window with one of the loveliest views I've seen so far. I may not be able to squeeze myself through it right now but pretty 'soon' I'll be just the right size to breeze through it and jump into that absolutely breath taking view.

I don't know yet what the rules of this new game is but I intend to find out soon.

Of mediocrity and anger

The more I deny it, the more it asserts itself to me. I have a terrible temper. Right now, I'm seething in anger.

I don't really know what I'm angry about. Usually it just starts with the feeling of annoyance. And then things start getting bad for me and the little feeling turns to anger. I rarely show it.

The bell just rang. I don't wanna go to class. But being the teacher who is concerned about how my students would feel, I'm going. Just before I get in class, I know I'm going to breathe that huge sigh of frustration and silently tell myself to smile and perform.

Yes. Teachers are performers. At least that's what I think. I have to ask myself if I'm willing to go through more research classes next year. I wonder if I'm willing to check more papers born out of indolent plagiarism and an obvious showcase of mediocrity. Well, I guess I just have to. My choices are pretty limited right now.

Actually they're not. I just limit them.

This doesn't make sense at all. I'm leaving for class with the hopes that I don't end up saying something rude to my students. I hope all goes well.

This is perhaps the most disappointing year - end of my life. I was ready to take a major responsibility. I was preparing myself to grow. But now everything is stunned. I am stunned by the shocking news that I'm not so invincible to this institution after all. I'm no longer their golden child.

As I look around this empty workroom, I have to finally ask myself the dreaded question: Can I stand to stay here for one more year? Can I still stand fooling myself into thinking that I enjoy teaching college students how to write basic English? Can I stand to stay in this same environment for 7 more years. Is 21 years of thinking of other people still not enough so that I can finally start thinking of myself? I dare not try to really ponder on my answers because I'm not yet emotionally controlled to do so. More importantly, I'm not sure I'm ready to face the real answers.

2 weeks ago, I've told myself that this is what I want to do. This is what I was born to do. I'm born to teach. I'm born to become a teacher. But after finding out the news about my status, I'm beginning to question this deceiving conviction.

What if I just told myself that so that my inner demons don't plague me and force me to defy people's expectations? Working in Ateneo for one entire year has put me in yet another bubble. Is staying here really as prestigious as most around me say?

Or is Ateneo just a hiding place for otherwise brilliant individuals who do not have the spirit to challenge themselves and try something more difficult; something more challenging; something more fun?

I'm sorely disappointed. But in behind this bitter emotion there is a spark of hope. Perhaps, it's God's way of saving me from making a wrong decision. Perhaps he is giving me another chance to recreate myself and finally do what I really want.

What could one possibly get from walking away?

NOTHING.

You let go of everything you've known, both the good and bad then you'll end up empty.

And sometimes empty is okay. Emptiness allows cleansing to happen. It allows healing.

I just hope this is it. I've survived an entire night of blockage. Today will be another challenge. Tomorrow yet another. this will be handled one day at a time until those daily urges become more and more seldom.

Third Party 2

Always the mistress, never the wife.
Never the girlfriend, always the secret lover.

When he kisses you he wishes it was me.
When he makes love to you he whispers my name.
When he holds your hand he quietly imagines my touch.

He tells you he's fine while his fingers run across the keyboard to type the message that says he fervently loves and misses me terribly.
He plans and anticipates our meeting while you idly sit in the corner believing his lies.
He sighs with content in my arms while you sleep alone in bed.

Always the secret lover but never the girlfriend.

But...

You're the one he introduces to his family.
You're the one he introduces to his kid.
You're the one he goes out with on Valentines day.
You're the one he holds hands with in the streets.
You're the one he chooses.
You might just be the one who walks down that aisle to him.

So don't hate me girl.

Always the third party

For once, can I not be the third party in a man's life?

I never saw myself as a third party material. I have never wanted to become one. I didn't want to be that woman who causes another woman to lose her boyfriend or partner. But for the past two men who have come into my life, I always end up to be the "mangaagaw". It's irritating and frustrating.

I always said that I don't want to be the third party because I know how it feels like to lose someone to another. It was traumatic. I had to discover that kind of pain when I was 18. Somehow I'm thankful that I did because if I didn't I wouldn't be this considerate of another's feelings.

Ems told me that's a good thing. The bitch in me feels that way too. That bitch in me who wants to celebrate whenever I can outdo a girl and steal away her boyfriend or the father of her kids. The bitch feels immeasurable pleasure in the knowledge that I don't have to be skinny or a beauty queen to do it. I am enough.

But I refuse to become the girl who will be dedicated the song "Bakit ngayon ka lang dumating sa buhay ko". I don't want to be the villain in another person's story. I don't want to steal away a boyfriend or a father because if I do, one day I know CARMA will strike back with a more bitter revenge.

But I really like him...

Beacon Visit

I'm in Beacon office right now and while I was preparing the powerpoint presentation for my research class on Tuesday (yes, I prepare this early. I kinda have to.) I realized how at home I feel here. When I'm hiding in Beacon, it feels like I never graduated. It's like I'm still a student just waiting for the hours to pass before I go home and watch TV. I'm still the Editor here and I've still got an excuse to just enjoy my life. It's a surreal feeling. And I miss it so much.

On March 29 it's going to be exactly a year after my graduation. During my first semester of teaching, time seemed sooo slow. I remember those days when I refused to go to class simply because the thought of it made me sick. But looking back it seems to have flown away so fast. Last year I swore that I don't want to stay in this profession. Lately, I find myself begging for it. I'm a funny funny crazy girl. And now that I am a bit at peace with myself time is too hurried.

Tonight I'm going to dinner with a group I feel will contribute to a dramatic change in my life. I'll just have to keep my fingers crossed for this.

Two days ago, I got a text from Jomarick. I was blown away partly with joy, partly with pain, partly with anger, and partly with self anger. I decided to walk away. I have to walk away. It will be difficult because of my curiosity. Among all the many childish characteristics I have, it was my gullibility that allowed him into my life. And now I have to shun it off.

I have to walk away from Berlin. Two years of this tug of war is taking a toll on both of us. It was good while it lasted. I knew it would never last for as long as we would have wanted to. But I am happy with the time I shared with him.

But it's now time to move on; alone in the meantime. I need to clear my head.

When I talked to Father Tony this morning we sort of reached an agreement. I agreed to his request for me not to leave education. And he agreed to keep me. It was a game of words that I have been good at lately.

But I know that I am most honest in silence - in person. I know this visit to Beacon has a purpose. I was initially just hiding from my co-teachers and sought this office's comfort. But in a while I'm walking away from here too. I'm walking away and going back to the life I have outside this office.

Talking Poor Money

I just had lunch that I didn't really taste because I was busy checking my mail and multitasking (again).

On my way up to the workroom I mentally computed my lunch expenses: Rice in a Box : 40 Nova and two sticks of bbq: 27 for a grand total of 67 pesos! I thought not bad. I was hoping I could spend just fifty pesos or less. I should have gone to a carinderia but I was too hungry and it was too hot to walk. Besides, Tatay gave me strict instructions not to stray into the streets alone no matter what because two kids of marine retirees have already been abducted in Basilan.

Tatay is a retiree. I am his daughter. So logic allows me to conclude that my chances of getting kidnapped has just increased by about 75%. Great.

But this is not what this blog is about. It's about poor money.

So what really is poor money? Once in a debate that I adjudicated during the Ateneo Fiesta Leyson stated that earning 12,000 pesos a month makes you poor. OUCH. I earn a meager 8,500 from Ateneo plus a 3,000 allowance from Beng (for putting words in her mouth) a month. So much for earning. For some other person it might never be enough. But not surprisingly, it is more than enough for me. I still even get to save 3,000 every month.

This lifestyle merits me packed lunches, 100 peso lunches when I don't bring my baon, occasional movies and lunch out with Lei, and still fewer chances to buy what I want: expensive things.

"Necissita pa ba tu extra income?" (Do you still need extra income?) This is the question Ma'am Anamae asked me when I said yes to teaching Microsoft Word to about 40 police recruits for the next three Saturdays of my February beginning on the 7th. I will be earning 200 an hour which will give me 4,800, minus 10% for Ateneo, for the accumulated 24 hours.

When I realized that that was the amount I get for sacrificing three whole saturdays of my life (including valentine's day!), I kinda felt disappointed. I have no dates or any special plans on valentine's day anyway but still it's not enough to not celebrate a day meant for lovers.

Yes, for the standard of living I wish to live in the near future, I'm earning very poor money. Once someone made hula to me that I will be rich. I always believed that. But now I'm beginning to second guess.

So now I'm spending most of my Valentine's Day in front of 40 men. LOL That's going to be an interesting experience. I'm not interested in policemen though so it's just gonna be random flirting.

I wonder how I'm gonna be able to earn REAL money and still be a teacher. I'm open to suggestions.

Only

There was something wrong about me this morning. I had instant and fleeting crushes. For about 30 minutes I got a crush on one of my student's big brother who was helping set up the class' table. And then while waiting for Lei by the grade school gate, I turned around and saw my former 098 student and for 10 minutes ogled, stared, and fell madly in love with him. But as soon as I turned around, the loving and giddy feeling was over. MR was back.

It's really entertaining - what's happening to me. Last night while I was watching Apocalypto (that part where severed heads were rolling down the stairs of the altar), I remembered Lungatok.

Hmmmm Lungatok. He was my summer crush in Junior year. He was a total stranger and a classmate in my Philippine Literature class. We shared a fleeting moment of tenderness when that one afternoon he was tasked to report a story. A few minutes before his turn he turned to ask me (we were seatmates *kilig*) for help interpreting some questions. I remember that he smelled of cigarette smoke so I got turned off instantly. I asked him if he smoked but he denied it like a kid caught with his hand stuck in the candy jar's mouth. Anyway, when he went up and Sir Imbierno (bless him for this requirement) started bombarding him with questions he answered them nervously while looking at me for confirmation and encouragement. He didn't look at anyone else. Just at me like if he looked away he would be lost. I was in Cloud 9 right that moment! It was so surreal and so oh so romantic. My Education block mates noticed and they were staring at us the entire time. They never stopped teasing me after that.

When he took his seat he held my hand, gently squeezed it and quietly thanked me for the help. I remember it was sweaty and warm. I remember how good it felt to not let someone down and how beautiful his eyes were. I wondered how he would have thanked me if he was more than just a stranger to me.

That happened in the middle of the summer class and we never spoke after that. Never.

I can vaguely remember now how he looks like. I bet if he passed in front of me tomorrow I wouldn't even notice him unless he introduced himself. I can't even remember his name. Over time I saw less and less of him in campus until I couldn't see him anymore. Maybe he's still around. I just don't look for him. Or maybe he's really gone and all I have is that brief moment of closeness.

Just like the one I had in the beach that starry night...

Just like the ones I had in that room...

Just like the one I had with a few message exchanges...

I always wonder what it is like to be in a normal relationship. I guess I'll just have to wait and see. Or maybe I'll never be able to know what it's like. But I will have those moments. I've had those moments and I laugh at the thought of how dysfunctional and twisted my notion of a relationship is right now.

I don't think there was something wrong with me this morning. I was alright. Only, my subconscious was reminding me out loud how sweet tender moments could be.

Only it was telling me that all these feelings I had glimpsed with strangers are worth the wait for that one person I will share the sweetest and most bitter ones with.

I'm alright. Only...

I got to school at 7. My eyes still sting from having to wake up, rather ungracefully, at 5 am. Sure I got to school 30 minutes earlier but damn it's so inconvenient. I hope I don't get a 7:30 class again next time I teach (whenever that will be).

Meeting Sir Ryan yesterday was a bit disturbing. The things he said made me think long and hard about the request I made. I don't want to say no again because I don't want to and well, I don't really have that much nerve to back out again.

I have figured out a way to mesh sex, contraceptives, and Mary together but now I'm too lazy to do the presentation which is due in 5 hours.

The bell has just rung. I feel bad for not being prepared for my classes this week. I promised them that tomorrow we're starting with the new lesson but with the attitude I'm sporting under my belt it doesn't look promising. I really just want to get rid of the grades already.

Tatay always told me to prepare. Well, that's an advice I should have practiced last quarter. LOL. I do hope my dream job falls on my lap before Father Ton Ton gives me his decision. Because the thing is, I don't know how to look for a job. Hahaha I admit that I'm spoiled or at least pretend to be spoiled in that area. I know I should try. But I'm not really interested in any other jobs here in Zamboanga. So I have to fly to Manila. Well, that's a whole new different story.

Bottom line is, I've been pretty lazy lately. I'm lazy at my job, at thinking of better life options, and at actually fighting for these options. Life is great!

Past bedtime

It's five minutes before my desired bedtime but I'm sitting on my desk figuring out how to mesh kidnapping, reproductive health bill, and the statement "Mother Mary Lead Us to Jesus". I wonder if others have to deal with something this ridiculous.

This afternoon I had a revealing interview for another award that I was coerced to apply to. I wish all interviews were like that. It makes me almost want to say that I don't care if I get the award or not, the interview was well worth it. We got down to the dirty details of why I do what I do and I was shocked to give the answers that were in my mind. No I did not lie. No I did not give the formula answers. I did that in the first part of the interview and got bored with myself. So I started being frank for the first time in the many interviews I had, I talked. (Of course the Valedictorian interview is an exception. That was indescribable.)

Q: "Is it the fame you want or the power?"
A: "I wouldn't have taken up education and I wouldn't be teaching in Ateneo right now if I wanted that."

Q: "Would you like to join La Bella?"
A: "What makes it different from the other groups existing now?"

Q: "Why do you do what you do now?"
A: "I want to see for myself what politics is. I want to exercise some power and contribute to slacking off the grime from the bottom of things (or something to that effect). I want to exercise the most influence I can on students." I've had all those awards, but at the end of the day they're just well, titles.

But I wonder why I still do the things I do now. I don't know why I stood up and decided to take the reins of PATT again when I could abandon it. I don't know why I didn't take the position offered to me far far away. If the things I said in that interview were really what I want to have in my life deep down, then someone in my history was selfish enough to influence me this way.

Suddenly, I don't want to become a teacher anymore. Suddenly, I want some lousy 9 to 5 office job that kills my brain and fattens my purse. Suddenly, I want the fame and power. Suddenly I want to quit everything and be a spoiled bum.

Tomorrow, I go back to worrying about finishing my student's grades. I'm going back to writing numbers beside faceless names. By the time 11 am comes tomorrow, I will have that presentation ready and by then I have found a way to find a logical relationship between Mother Mary and contraceptives. After this post, I might lag just a bit more and then I'll force myself to go back to work.

Suddenly working sounds like the most stupid thing to do in the world.

sixth- finallies

2 finallies for today.

1. FINALLY! After three failed attempts, I got the short hair I wanted. I'm now officially a Jun Encarnacion girl.





2. FINALLY! We were able to pull off the first PATT meeting for the year! It's crazy I know but what the hell I'm determined to make it work this time. The turnout wasn't so great so I have to find a way to coerce the other people to show up next meeting.

Fifth - Reality Blues

When you finally have the nerve to look at your situation in the eye and try to accept things as they are you will realize that the reality you have been denying for the longest time is actually not as bad as you thought.

When you stop promising yourself and just get on the hell with it, it isn't as hard as you thought it would be.

When you finally just give in and say it, you wouldn't get the reaction you fantasized about.

When you finally say yes, suddenly it's no longer there for you. You now become a beggar of that thing which was so generously offered to you before yet turned down.

When you do not get it, suddenly you realize that you will be lost. You know nothing else to do but this. You were trained for it.

You're not as good as you think you are. You still have to improve yourself.

When you hear the words "tama na, MR". Understand that really, it's over.

Fourth - Hair Tragedies

I just wanted a decent haircut. Really... I just wanted a decent haircut that will look good both short and long. I guess I was asking for too much. LOL. I suddenly miss my long tousled hair. At least it was more manageable and better to look at. I'm not here to whine but it looks like this is what I'm doing.

I still haven't received word on my status for next year. For some odd reason, it isn't troubling me as much as it usually did before.

I miss Jomarick terribly.

Oh well... I guess I'll just have to wait a few weeks before I'm happy with my new hair.

This is such a weird post.